Winter dawns in my bone marrow, and I wonder who even my community is. Will I be alone in this coldness? Will I be able to stay at home in my own skin, or will I fall into the dark pit of a dying body? I rest for the chance of a better tomorrow, only to wake up tomorrow and realize that it’s worse.

Aren’t we alive for connection to thrive, hands to touch, tissues to wipe wet cheeks? We are all human for the first time, we are all traveling in a dancing rhythm, in union with darkness, in search of meaning. Countless hours I’ve spent hating myself in darkness. You know, there is nothing else I can do. To resist means to crash; therefore, I go with the flow, or however the saying of these unbothered, privileged hippies goes. It’s just that my flow pulsates painfully in the membranes of my cells, eats my skin and bones, spins my eyes, and leaves me in ultimate loneliness and despair. I love going with the flow, what an experience! I stopped praying long ago. What sense is there in prayers other than to band- aid the gushing wounds other humans left in my soul? We are hurting. As the days get shorter, the evil spirits will have more time to invade us and corrupt our sense of self. That’s why I clench my fists in bed. I mean, no one could possibly see it, but I clench my fists under the covers.

I read of Palestinian children being murdered, my friends with ME dying in painful loneliness, fascism corrupting my birthplace, and a society being blind. That’s why I clench my fists. I use all the strength I have left and clench them as hard as I can. Freedom should be the lowest common denominator, but instead it’s violence and hate. I think, if I am being honest with you, I just don’t want to be lonely anymore. I want to walk away from this society. If this is your dream, this is my nightmare. I don’t want to be part of such coldness, such inequality, and such heartlessness.

Someone, do something. Hug me, wipe my tears, and hold me all winter long. I’ve lost so much weight; the coldness will infiltrate my bones in no time. Someone show me that society still cares, that we are not blind to people dying because no one helps, to people dying from fascism and war. I beg you, clench your fists together with me. Show me the strength in your hands and your spirit as winter dawns in my bone marrow and I am afraid my tears could freeze on my cheeks.